26 going on 30

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

If you had no idea how old you are now, how old would you think you are? In short, how old do you feel you are right now?

The Hub turned 30 last week. In the months leading up to his birthday, he was in quite a state. It had hit him that he was reaching a major milestone in his life. Another point to evaluate just how close or far he was from his goals. I was so certain he would hyperventilate on the actual day so I made sure I had a few emergency numbers in my phone. I had a plan laid out in my mind; if he did panic or faint, I would call the guy next door to carry him to the hospital. So I encouraged The Hub to stay fully dressed at all times because there was no way I was going to try and get his dead weight dressed before anyone saw him. Surprisingly, he was really calm on the day. I don’t know what conversations he had with himself but it seems he has come to terms with it.

For some reason, everyone around me is turning 30. I swear I know more than 6 people who are 30 this year. 1985 was quite a productive year for our parents. The thing about marriage (and any other relationship if you seriously think about it) is that you get to experience certain things multiple times.  The life you share makes it necessary to go through their joys, pains, insecurities and moments of confidence with them whether you want to or not. And so when The Hub was fretting about his life goals and ambitions, I was analyzing mine too.

It was during one of these moments that I realized that somewhere deep in my heart, I am looking forward to turning 30. I’ve been practicing how to be 30 all year long and I didn’t even know it. There are certain things I have adopted or taught myself that normally would have come from living with me for 3 decades.

Self-Love: There have been times I wanted to be anyone but myself, lots of times. But I have been on journey to learn how to love myself. I have been learning acceptance and gratitude. One of the things that prompted this was the realization that the time I spent looking into the mirror criticizing myself was huge compared to the time The Hub spent and he weighed more than me.

Knowledge of Self: In the past I have relied on people to tell me where my strengths lie. I found myself always mining for the negatives in me but not the positives. And I would act surprised when someone pointed out a good thing about me. But now I’m finding out my strengths and any compliment from friends is a confirmation and not a discovery.

I’m not guilty about my dress choice anymore: I have never been the chic girl or the best dressed girl. For the longest time I felt the need to apologize for not being the type to dress up. And now as time goes on I am learning that I value how clothes make me feel way above how they make me look. So I will dress up when I want to but I am dressed down most times because I want to. I’m not apologizing anymore for my dress choices.

I do what I want: So many times we do things because someone in our class or position is expected to. We buy things that we don’t even like just because someone said it is fashionable or classy. We get married or have children because that’s what everyone our age is doing. Coming from a background that expected me to act a certain way because “that’s the way we’ve always done them”, I question my intentions for almost everything now. I am learning to do things because I want to or decided to and not because society expects me to.

I pay my own bills: It’s needless to say a major part of being an adult is paying bills. I swear bills hold meetings to plan on how to haunt our lives. But it’s safe to say no one is out for my head for any outstanding debt.

How old would I be if I didn’t know how old I was? I would probably be 30…for the next 5 years.

How old do you think you would be?