The Born n Bred Video Awards 2015 Re-cap

Last night the Born n Bred Video Awards happened after being pushed forward a couple of times. It was being televised live on ZNBC at 20hrs so I took my nap right after work and I was fresh and awake for it. Of course I live-tweeted my way through it but before we dive in I just want to ask something. How were the Born n Bred Awards before the ZMAs started? Do you remember? Anyway I won’t give you a step by step account of what happened, I’m just here to say what I thought of it.

Red Carpet

Red carpet was not jaw-dropping. There were a few standouts but no one’s attire followed me to my dreams. I noticed that a lot more artists came with their significant others. I don’t know if it has always been like this. Or artists’ partners signed agreement among each other to be present because of the rachetness demonstrated at this event in the past years. Some of these partners and artists gave us a few laughs when they were interviewed. We even got to learn new words like “Haterage” from Brisky.

There were a few hairs that stood out for me; Nyemba’s blond ‘up-do’ was an immediate favorite. It might even make it into my dreams one of these nights. Meyer’s blue/green hair was another that drew my positive attention. It didn’t look too shabby on her and while I wouldn’t do it, I like it when people colour their hair and they don’t look like they tried too hard.

The Refunders

Do artists get paid to perform at this event? If they do then some people need to give the organisers a refund. DJ Cosmo shouted through his whole song and even the shouting was off key, it takes a special talent to do that. I love his song but what he did on that stage was something he should never put on his CV.  So many others did wack performances that I was even starting think it was all on the Sound guys (Sound was pretty bad too though). The tribute to PJay was quite sad, I almost cried because of just how horrible their singing was. And obviously the organisers had no qualms about replicating the scene at the ZMAS with the all-white getup even though it was very clear that the quality of deliverance was several levels below.

Performances I liked

Of course not everything was horrible. The newly wed Chileshe Bwalya came on stage and sang and it sounded nice. Her choir even won an award later on. I also J-Rox’s performance though it came when I was already so exhausted and all I wanted was my bed. Ruff kid came on with his usual crazy antics this time on a wheelchair. I’m not really sure how I feel about the wheelchair and dedicating his performance to the disabled people but the energy and the way he jumped about on the stage was too contagious to ignore. He is one of the few Zambian artists that I think takes time to plan his performances well in advance.

Acceptance Speeches

I noticed how everyone delivered their acceptance speeches in English no matter how uncomfortable they are with the language. I am learning not to laugh at people that don’t speak good English because that only means that they are more proficient in another language. But I wish people did the acceptance speeches in the language they are comfortable with. So I was so excited to hear Wilz accept his award in Chewa.

Theresa Ng’ambi

I first heard Theresa’s singing on Wednesday night. We got her album and it’s what we’re listening to in the car. So when I saw her on stage at the awards I was really stoked. I love her music. She has an authentic sound that is so indigenous and beautiful. She makes me romanticize how village life would be.

Dorica (Bob Nkosha)

S/he was the closing act. I thought his dancing during the “Dorica” song was funny especially when she was attempting to pout or whatever that was. Then he did his skit after the song was done. Honestly, I don’t know how I feel about her/him. I think the skit went on just a bit too long because he kept repeating some things but if people like him then he must be funny, right?

All in all, the event needs a lot of improvements. The organization wasn’t seamless. There were long awkward pauses, we could hear what the presenters and producers were saying in the background and the presenters looked like they did not have scripts.  There was a lot to complain about but there were a number of good acts. In the end I was just glad I finally had Zambian content to live tweet after all those South African shows I watch every weekend. Now if we could have a few more shows please?

I live tweeted a lot more things, you can see my tweets about the event here

What were your highlights? What made you laugh out loud, grimace or give a side eye? Any thoughts on how the organizers can improve this event? I would like to hear from you.

Shoddy Artwork and Ugly Shoes

So after our last elections in September, we’re having the next ones in 2016. It’s a no-brainer that the current president will be running for the seat. He has had a few moments in the press like that time when they forgot his portrait. He has also taken a few good pictures with something in common. Now I am not a politician neither am I a campaign manager so I may not be an expert in election matters. But I have one question, whose idea was this?

Edgar Shoes

Let’s start with how ugly the shoe is. It looks like a shoe one of those mushrooming “prophets” on the Copperbelt would wear. We talked about shoes last time guys. We should know better than this. And I know it’s not anyone on the Lungu Campaign team coz no one who loves their job would do this, right? It was probably a joke by a bored shoe repairman who didn’t have a lot of clients that day. Why do people make such shoes though. And talk about branding. It makes you want to vote for Lungu next year or nah? Obviously not. To quote some clever person on social media, the person who made this deserves a high five in the face with a chair. Oh what’s that? You want some more? There’s definitely more. This person didn’t stop at just one shoe, he did two. *insert side eye emoji right here and after every other sentence*

Edgar Lungu Shoe

I’m done. I can’t. I just can’t deal. I don’t know whether to laugh or buy him a can of shoe polish. One question though: Why? And were tshirts too expensive to print?

Edgar seems to be the muse to a lot of artists these days. People are writing songs about him and all sorts of things. There’s an interesting caricature I saw on facebook of him that was quite cool. The thing is caricatures aren’t there to make you look pretty in my opinion so variations are always welcome.

A cool caricature I saw on Facebook

A cool caricature I saw on Facebook

But some people just weren’t meant to be artists or maybe mistakes happen in an artist life. Like these statues:

One of these is not like the others.

One of these didn’t pay the deposit  [phot credit: Mwebantu New Media]

All our presidents past and present. All of them have a very keen resemblance to the person except one, the one at the bottom. Who is that? Coz that doesn’t look like Edgar Lungu if you ask me. It looks cross-eyed and has cheeks that look like a chipmunk’s cheeks filled with nuts. You would think as the present president, his statue would be the most accurate. I have a few questions. What did Lungu or his family do to this artist? Is it something he did in his past lifetime? Coz he seems to attract so much inaccurate and unwanted artist attention. Did he pay the deposit or nah? Or maybe he paid using coupons. Is he waiting for the money from the shoe sales? One word of advise to him and his team: Please pay the artist his money, he doesn’t seem so happy. And to the artist: Don’t be petty man, he’ll eventually pay you.

What do you guys think? Coz I’m done.

My Umoyo Health Consultation

When the Umoyo Natural Health media team asked me to try out some of the weight loss services they offer, I was a bit pensive but excited. Everyone knows that weight loss is never an easy journey so I braced myself for work and starvation. But what I found out was the contrary; there wouldn’t be anything like that here. The first step was to go through a health consultation.

How much would you pay for a comprehensive health consultation? A sit-in session with a qualified health therapist to discuss solutions to some of the health issues you’ve been carrying around? What if I told you it could cost nothing? I found out that Umoyo currently have a promotion. They are offering a free health consultation (which is worth K100) to anyone who has one of their fliers.

So I quickly carried a flier and went to their woodlands shop. I met the lady at the counter and told her I wanted a health consultation. I was sort of nervous because free things do that to me. They fill me with such an excitement and thrill but also fear of it not being real. But the lady smiled at me and told me to wait a short moment while the therapist got ready for me. I looked around the shop and saw so many things I wanted to carry home with me.

I finally sat down with the therapist and the health consultation began. She asked me how she could help me and I went blank. I didn’t know where to begin and what exactly to tell her. Was I supposed to tell her that I have dreams of an army of zombies and that I sometimes wink at dogs and I swear they wink back? I’ve never met a therapist before; I don’t know if they all can handle my mental health or lack of. But as I looked at her, I remembered why I was there and told her about my weight loss journey so far and asked her what she could recommend.

She gave me some dietary recommendations which included increasing water intake, reducing carbohydrates, increasing green vegetable intake and avoiding sugar. She also gave me a list of some supplements that would help me in achieving overall health. I will be talking about some of these in the next few weeks. I asked her so many questions but she had an answer for all of them. She highly recommended the 7 day weight loss program that Umoyo offers which contains cleanses and juicing. I asked her if she only handled weight loss issues, it turns out she can handle questions ranging from diabetes to reproductive health. 

The promotion for a free health consultation is still running. Just get yourself one of these fliers from any Umoyo shop and you’ll be able to get personalised consultation and advice. For more information on them, visit their website at umoyo.com and they are highly present on the social media sites. 
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*Over the next few weeks I will try out different products offered by Umoyo that help in weight loss and general health. Please note that the post is sponsored by Umoyo but the opinions expressed are my own.

What happened to Dora’s Eyebrows?

When I was growing I remember seeing Dora Siliya on TV. She was one of the best looking female journalists and I loved her. I remember thinking that I wouldn’t be so upset with life if I ended up looking like her as an adult. When she went into politics she kept up her appearance and was still known as the good looking one amongst all of them. But something has been happening to our dear Dora and I need to get to the bottom of it.

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Where have her eyebrows gone? Who took them? What happened? I need to know! Here’s what I think happened: Some unscrupulous men came into her house one day and held her at knife point. They told her “Dora, we know you’re a rich woman and we need money” When they found that there was no money in the house, they decided to take her eyebrows as hostage until she could pay them off. But what they didn’t count on was the fact that Dora would not miss them. See, Dora has learnt to adapt to the challenges that life throws at her. So after the men left she figured that she could live without her eyebrows. Who needs eyebrows when you’re a politician? And so she has adapted and now draws a tiny line in the place where her eyebrows once stood.

Now one of the greatest things in life is discovering you’re not the only crazy person in the world. So when I asked my people on Facebook and Twitter to find Dora’s eyebrows I got some crazy responses. DC suggested that she is a warrior who probably lost them in one of her political battles. EM said Dora probably wasn’t born with any eyebrows at all. NNM thought that maybe Dora is in disguise so if you can’t see her eyebrows then you can’t see her.

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What happened to her? Why are her eyebrows MIA? Are they on a mission somewhere in the desert? Maybe she traded them in for some cash. I don’t know man! I’m thinking of sending out a plea to her. Maybe not. I won’t even talk about that hair. What do you guys think?

Highlights from the Zambian Music Awards 2015

Last Saturday, the ZMAs were held. I got to watch them on location but they were also televised live. This year they were even being streamed online so everyone was included. The awards had great moments and some moments that made me ask the ground if it was possible to open up and swallow an entire human being. Here are some things that stood out for me, both good and bad.

The Stage

The stage was amazing. You could see that so much work had been put into the design and setup. Almost a dozen TVs were put up on that stage. I thought of carrying one home after the event but the thought slipped my mind (I should have set a reminder on my phone).

The Anthem.

He delivered the the national anthem coated with milk and honey.

He delivered the the national anthem coated with milk and honey.

Abel Chungu Musuka SANG the national anthem like it was some call from God or something. He took me to church and back. I found myself raising my hands and stuff. That has got to be the best version I’ve ever heard. The attire he had on kinda resonated with the song and reminded me so much of Kenneth Kaunda. Why did people pick out the safari suits and dump the wrap? It is way cooler if you ask me. I later asked him what he had under the wrap and he disclosed he was wearing jeans. If I wore it, I wouldn’t wear a single thing under that. I would let the Lord’s precious breeze pass through strong and free (pun intended).

Exile (Israel) and Nalu

Exile singing his heart out

Exile singing his heart out

So Exile is undoubtedly one of the best musicians and song writers in Zambia. And Nalu has an awesome voice. So when Exile started singing his medley of old songs, the crowd was filled with nostalgia. I like Exile’s songs and to hear some of them in a mash-up like that just made me go gooey inside. And then Nalu stepped onto the stage with her VOICE! We haven’t seen her in a long time. Family responsibilities took her away from the big stage but she came back to show everyone that her talent is still there y’all. She did her old hit “House,Money,Car” and made me remember the video of her in the pink thingy with slits. And the romance!!! The love between them was so visible you guys. Zambian people are not used to seeing PDA in a couple that has been married for a long time but they showed you! They were looking into each other’s eyes and holding hands. I was on the edge of my seat waiting for a kiss. It never came but what we got was enough.

The P-Jay Tribute

Tribute to P-Jay

Tribute to P-Jay

Tsean, Scarlet and Starn sang a medley of the P-Jay’s songs. It was beautiful. Tsean started off with my favorite P-Jay song “Piano”. Then Scarlet came in looking like a vision. I love her dress. She looked magnificent. Then Starn came and hyped it up. P-Jay might have died young but he definitely left his mark.

The P-Jay Speech

This boy needed to sit down so bad his mouth ran.

This boy needed to sit down so bad his mouth ran.

So the late P-Jay won the Best songwriter award. Exile (Israel) never stood a chance in that category. You don’t contest against a deceased person and think as if you’ll win. Zambians are superstitious like that. The dead can do no wrong to us. So P-Jay won the award and then his brother came to accept the award. Let’s pause for a while. The unspoken rule is that if you’re accepting an award on behalf of a deceased person, you identify yourself and your relation to the person and say some touching statement about the person. We all know that, right? This boy did not know anything about it. He goes on stage and starts talking about being the future that P-Jay always sang about. He did not bother to let us know how he was related to P-Jay. He rumbled on and on about the albums that were out and advertised himself with neither finesse nor shame! I sat there hoping that the saliva in his mouth would magically turn into glue so he could shut up but nothing happened. I almost stood up to shout “Boy, sit down!”. Then when his sister and B-flow had spoken, he came back to the mic to wish his mother a happy birthday. You should have said that the first time! This is what happens when an attention seeker is suddenly put on a big stage.

The Zamrock Legends

I love rock! It defined my teenage years. So when I saw those elderly men rocking away like their life depended on it, I LIVED! I rose up from my slumber and looked alive. OH. MY. WORD!!! Those men had more passion than I’ve ever seen. The lead singer was on fire y’all. The way he ran across the stage dancing like he’s convulsing. The way he moved from mic to mic and then just got both mics and screamed into them! Victor Kasoma, the lead guitarist, did not let the wheelchair take his joy! He played that guitar with such a look on his face that I kept on looking at him. Maureen Lilanda, you guys!! I love her!! She has so much energy on stage. She’s not just doing her job, she’s creating art every time she’s on stage.

Abel Chungu Musuka’s Speech

Abel Chungu Musuka was a big winner this year. He went home with 3 awards. The second time he went to receive an award he started SPEAKING! He talked about how people listen musicians and music shapes people’s lives so it is the responsibility of musicians to produce good and whole music. Then he went on to talk to the people

Music opens doors that even politicians can’t open. So I say to all those people out there who disrespect artists, you are disrespecting very influential people in this nation. So many times we are underpaid, undervalued, looked down upon but it is our music that taught you your Abcs, how to count from 1 to 10. It is our music that heals your marriages.It is our music that helps you go to sleep at night thinking about a better tomorrow.”

I was nodding my head so hard that it almost fell off. As someone married to a musician, I see that disrespect all too often. And to hear someone scold people on national Television, the level of agreement I had was too high. I nodded myself into next year.

Chef 187’s closing performance

So after winning the highest number awards and going on stage so many times, Chef 187 came on one last time-to close the show. 99 Jobs is my favourite song by him so I was excited. The band played it so well. The dancers were really hyped up. But my favorite part was towards the end when the beat changed to Dubstep. I was like Whaaaaat?! No they diin’t! There was beat-boxing and crazy stuff going on. I loved it. It was a great way to finish the show.

All in all, the show was well arranged. There were some performers that went off key and others that just didn’t have the oomph but generally it was good. See? Good shows can be held in Zambia, all you need is just a big time sponsor and organizers willing and dedicated to work really hard.

A weekend away in Siavonga

For someone who claims to love travel, I have been to very few places in Zambia. So when friends of ours suggested we drive over to Siavonga for a weekend, I was ecstatic. It had been on my to-visit list for too long. Because we were a large group of 10, we decided to carpool. We started off early on Saturday morning and arrived two hours later. The thing that struck me was how beautiful the country is once you drive out of the city. We drove past hills and valleys all covered in green.

The beautiful green landscape

The beautiful green landscape

We had already reserved rooms at a lodge called Freshview Homes so all we did was go straight to our rooms. The room was a decent size. I was glad to see an air-con because Siavonga is really humid.

The room was a good size

The room was a good size

Now for those who might not know, Siavonga is on the edge of Lake Kariba, the biggest man made lake in the world. So imagine my awe when I found that we had an awesome view of the lake just from our doorstep. I want a life like this you guys. A place where I can write while looking out on the lake. I bet I would never have writers’ block.

The awesome view of the lake

The awesome view of the lake

When I was a kid, I was fascinated by lizards. So my siblings and I would kill them and arrange a whole funeral procession for them. We even had someone give an eulogy of the life of the poor lizard. So one of the things that I noticed was how the lizards were so different from the ones I used to bury. These ones had blue tails. I tried to capture one but they moved so fast. I suspect word about me must have spread across the Zambian lizard world.

Blue tailed lizard

Blue tailed lizard

If you’re trying to decide on what to eat in Siavonga, let me make it easy for you. Eat fish. Because of the proximity to the lake, fish is guaranteed to be extra fresh. In Lusaka, by the time a fish gets to your plate, it has traveled far much more than you ever will. It has been touched by more people than necessary and is on its way to rotten. Siavonga fish is fresh y’all. And that’s what I ordered. The cooking is quite ordinary I must say. I kept on thinking I could have cooked a better meal. But then I’m just a budding foodie so I ate what I was given like a good girl.

Fish served on a fish-shaped plate. These people have a wicked sense of humor

Fish served on a fish-shaped plate. These people have a wicked sense of humor

By the time it was afternoon, it had become really hot. So The Hub and I decided to take a dip in the pool. Because of my fear of large bodies of water, I still don’t know how to swim so I never set foot in the deep end. But The Hub quickly went there and started showing off his skills. It was weird because I had never seen him in a pool ever since I have known him. (That goes to show just how much I avoid water)

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The lodge does not have a gym but that didn’t discourage me. Siavonga is very hilly so you are always going up or down. So I just ran up and down the rocky stairs a number of times, did some push ups and dips and I was good to go.

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Great workout space

Just to prove that I was there and I didn't get these pictures from the internet.

Just to prove that I was there and I didn’t get these pictures from the internet.

The restaurant prepared an awesome breakfast (it’s very difficult to mess up breakfast). And after lots of group photos and weird poses by the pool, we started our journey back to Lusaka. We didn’t get to go on the boat cruise because of our tight program but it’s in our future plans. I wish we had stayed longer but life was calling us back. I wish I could go away every weekend because it is such a peaceful place.The great thing is that it is just 2 hours away so it’s easy to get there. It is a great place to go and relax. I’m definitely going back there soon.

Day Trip to Chaminuka

Zambians are spoiled with a wide variety of places to ogle at wildlife. All you need is a functioning car and a tiny heap of money and you’re good to go. A few friends of ours suddenly decided they wanted to visit Chaminuka, a privately owned game reserve in the outskirts of Lusaka. Lucky enough, it coincided with my day off from work so I gladly tagged along.

We were all from different parts of town so we met in a central place and got into the two biggest cars and started off. It takes 30 minutes to get to Chaminuka from the Kenneth Kaunda airport. The road is not tarred the whole way but thankfully it is not bumpy either and we quickly got there at 11am. Chaminuka offers a load full of activities. We decided to go for a game drive first. We hopped onto the open safari vehicle and we were off. The guide really knew his stuff and described each animal we came in contact with.

The elegant giraffe

The elegant giraffe

By the time the drive was over we were famished. Chaminuka serves lunch at 1 pm so we rushed to eating area to eat. I was relieved to see that it was a buffet arrangement. There was such a wide variety of food, I didn’t even taste some of it. After lunch it was time for a boat ride and we were driven to a beautiful large body of water on the property.

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Now the problem is that I am terrified of water. When I was a kid, an evil friend of mine pushed me into a swimming pool. I just remember so much confusion going through my mind and my mouth involuntary taking in gulps of water. Needless to say I was pulled out alive, unless it is my apparition writing this. So when it was time for the boat ride, I tried to get out of it but the horrible people I was with insisted that I get on so I had no choice. I screamed half the time and was so tense no amount of massage would have helped. I kept on flinching every time the boat tilted and I was convinced we were going to die. I lamented not having left a will and regretted not having finished the chicken at lunch. But the longer we stayed on the water, the more I became at ease. So I braved a smile and took a few pictures even though my soul was dying inside.

When mean friends force you onto a tiny boat, just grin and bear it.

When mean friends force you onto a tiny boat, just grin and make a peace sign.

The guide led us to a tiny island in the middle of the water and we settled there for a while. I wanted to claim it as mine and name it after me but it was so tiny I knew that any hint of rain would make it disappear.

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The tiny island almost sinking under our weight

When we got back to shore, the adrenalin was kicking in and I wanted to go again but I got distracted by the sight of The Hub fishing. He looked so natural at it with a bored face that I wanted to dig a lake for him in our backyard (which we don’t have because we live in a tiny flat). But after 10 minutes of catching nothing but the sun on his face, he got tired and gave it up.

The Hub fishing (Is it still fishing if you don't catch anything?)

The Hub fishing (Is it still fishing if you don’t catch anything?)

After the fishing, we were driven back to the lounge area. None of us had carried swimwear so we just chilled and chatted until it was time to go home.

One of the activities we missed out on is walking the cheetahs. But I made a mental note to do that the next time we go there. It was a day well spent and I had lots of fun. I would definitely want to go back and spend a night. It is perfect for a romantic getaway trip or group/family outing and the food is great.

To find out more about them, check out their website.

The Sean Kingston Concert is a fake!!

Why do some music promoters insist on treating us like idiots? So some promoter decides to come up with a grand plan of lying that Sean Kingston would be performing in Zambia on 21st February. He even puts up radio adverts for almost a month. I heard the adverts and I was wondering why I hadn’t seen any billboard ads. I even remember feeling a bit sorry for the organizers because I thought the show would be a flop. And what do I read in the paper this morning? This:

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The reporter had emailed the manager to ask about the show and the manager probably thought “No sir, I aint never heard of Zambia before”. So the manager said they had had no contact with anyone about the issue. No one has ever talked to them about a show in Zambia. So that rules out the scenario of the fake promoter, whom we shall call Nick from now onward, calling Sean and assuming he said yes and that’s why he began advertising. This means that Nick can’t say that there was just a misunderstanding between him and Sean because Sean doesn’t even know he exists. How do you have a misunderstanding with a ghost promoter?

The other scenario would be that Nick was scammed. Maybe he contacted someone he thought was Sean’s manager and set up a date when in fact it was some Nigerian scam artist. Which would make Nick a very dumb man.

No, I think Nick was trying to be clever. Nick’s wife walked up to him and said “Nick, I’m tired of your dumb behind sitting of my couch, watching my TV and not having a job. Get up and get yourself a job!”  Then Nick meets up with a couple of friends and connives a plan to shut his wife up for good. Nick and his friends plan to tell people Sean Kingston is coming. They set the ticket price at K250 and K300 because then, all they’ll need is just a few dozen gullible people. And to take the lie even further, they put the advert on radio to make it more believable. They borrow the radio money from a guy they know around the corner. Nick goes back and brags to his wife about the investment he has just made that will bring huge returns.

Game over Nick! We know the truth now! The sad thing is that some people probably lost their money already. The even sadder thing is that the police will probably not pursue the matter.

I won’t pretend to be an expert and say what needs to be done to prevent this from happening again. But whatever is required to prevent scam artists in the music industry needs to be done NOW! This has been happening for sometime now. Some promoters put local artists on concert posters without booking the artist first. Regulations need to be put in place soon.

As for Nick, may the pop culture gods breathe non-talent on you. May they poke you in the sides with your various scams until you cry out to be saved. A quick buck scam is not the way of getting out of your wife’s couch NICKSON! Get a job! Start a legit business! Do something worthwhile with your life NICKSON! Oh and *clears throat* We will find you!

They didn’t include the portrait of the President with a bible and they killed me!

Zambian media will be the death of me. For anyone who is out of touch, we had a new president sworn in almost 2 weeks ago and people are not yet over it. So some company decided to get their money and use it to pay for a congratulatory message to the new president. I don’t get these messages though, it’s not like the president will read them all. They’re all just adverts aren’t they? Anyway, so they get their hard earned cash and pay for space to post their message/advert giving full instructions of what they wanted and what do they get? This:

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I died a thousand deaths! I looked up to the sky and howled at the media gods. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well this one is just worth six. How did anyone let this get to the printers? And to compound the problem, the spelling of portrait is not even correct -“portait”. Who ever was responsible definitely had been having a bad day. ZESCO had cut the power to his place. The shower had broken down, his maid had cooked him Nshima with eggs for the third time that week and his wife had just told him they were having a fifth baby. Maybe the new president just doesn’t have a face y’all, who knows.

Of course like every other mistake, they realized it when it was too late but still corrected it the next day. And now the portrait had a face. I wonder if they had to pay twice or was it free the second time?

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These newspaper people aint loyal, reducing the president’s face to just a few words?! Tsk Tsk! May they forever be tickled by the media demons until their stomachs hurts so much they start to weep.

Our new president is a very decent man

When I was a little girl, I would wear little dresses and sit with each of my legs pointing to a completely different point on the compass. Then I turned a certain age and I was told by the women folk around me that I had to keep my legs together. It was indecent to let each leg be lonely whenever I sat down. So I learnt to always keep my legs touching. Imagine my chagrin when I realized some men could sit however they want. It’s like they were given a mandate to do the opposite of what we were supposed to do. They were ordered to go therefore and spread their legs, especially when seated in a crowded mini bus or taxi.

But not all men though. Some men were told to cross their legs whenever they were seated and the new president seems to be one of them. Every time his social media team put up new pictures I can’t help but notice just how often he crosses his legs or “makes a four” as we say it here.

Photo cred [mwebantu new media]

When he was young, his women folk sat him and told him “Eddie, you are no longer a boy. You are a young man who needs to cross his legs whenever he sits.” Then one very old woman said “Our son, You shall be the president one day and you need to start practicing how to look good in the pictures on The Facebook” The president being an obedient child kept their words close to his heart, probably in a pendant he wore around his neck, and swore to always cross his legs.

Photo cred[ mwebantu new media]

Being the suspicious person that I am, I think it might just be a classic pose. Like every time his photo guy is about to get a picture he stops him and says “Wait wait wait, I need to get into my position first!”

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So now when mothers teach their puberty-inflicted daughters how to be decent, they shall use Powerpoint presentations with the Lungu’s pictures to illustrate just how decent they should be.

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Now I, by the power vested in me by the internet, name this position the Edgar. So when you’re sitting like this you’re no longer making a four, you’re making the Edgar. Talk about leaving a legacy.

Mind your own Space!

If you’ve ever been anywhere public in Zambia then you know that we have a small problem with personal space. Chaps be pushing and touching skins like we’re all related or something. A bus conductor will be happily counting his wad of cash oblivious to the fact that his hand is touching your boob. This one time I felt a hand on my thigh, I looked up to find the owner of the hand with an innocent look on his face. Apparently he wasn’t seated comfortably and was using my thigh to support himself. A few choice words and a murderous look later, he moved his hand. Continue reading

Our President is dead but our peace is not.

I woke up this morning and checked into my usual social media sites, a second later I wished I hadn’t. Various news sources were claiming that President Michael Chilufya Sata had died. I figured it was true because he had been ill for some time but I still had a bit of hope. It wouldn’t be the first time that news sites have wrongly reported someone as dead. The last time it happened, I arrived at work in black, thinking I was mourning Will Smith only to find out that he was very alive. So I held on to hope until I read the statement by the Secretary to the Cabinet officially announcing his death. Continue reading

eNCA featured Zambian Bloggers this time!

When you’re a Zambian blogger, you get used to being ignored. Very few people comment on your posts or even like them. When you tell someone you’re a blogger they ask you what that is. So I was surprised when a reporter from South Africa’s eNCA emailed me and asked if I could contribute to her coverage of Zambia’s independence. She intended to take a few Zambian bloggers’ points of view. I gladly agreed and provided her with the information she needed. I’m so excited! Zambian bloggers are being recognized as credible content providers.

You can read the interview here

Here’s to more great Zambian content creation!

Keep Your opinion to yourself or get punched!

It is widely known that Zambians are friendly people. They will stop what they are doing and gladly give you directions if you ask. They will randomly start a conversation about politics with a total stranger on the bus. It really is a good quality and I appreciate it but I have a complaint; some Zambians have no limits. They dish out their opinion whether you like it or not, whether you look accommodating or not. They will just blurt it out with no regard of who is listening. A supermarket employee will start giving you marriage advice right there at the till just because you said you don’t know how much sugar you should buy. Continue reading

Why I’m worried about Ebola and Why I shouldn’t be.

I sat in the corner of the minibus waiting for it to fill up. It was after 2pm and the sun was blazing. I was dying to get home and just shed off my clothes and cool down. Then an overweight woman came in, with sweat gushing out of her poles and wetting her skin. She chose the seat right next to me squeezing me further into the corner. I was wearing a sleeveless top so our skins were touching and all I could think about was “Oh God! please don’t let me get Ebola!” Continue reading

Gender based violence and Why women return to their abusers

What kind of hitting does it take for skin to break and blood to gush out? Obviously the hitting of a maniac. The police man comes home at midnight (Every husband knows that is way past any married man’s ‘bedtime’) and starts playing loud music when everyone else is asleep. When his wife confronted him, he beat her up and left her looking like this.

Woman beaten by cop husband.

Woman beaten by cop husband.

The woman could have died for Pete’s sake, people have died from far less injuries. And the worst part, She went back to her matrimonial home after being stitched up and forgave her husband. I think this man’s betrayal is on two counts. One as a husband, he is supposed to protect her from the world and all kinds of horrid stuff but here he is being the administrator. Two as a police officer, his job is to protect citizens from evil people that do such horrible things.  What do you do when the man you trusted with your heart, body and life harms you worse than you can imagine. I can’t even imagine how it must feel. Continue reading

From Enormous Body Parts to Tiny Baby Ones

I wasn’t going to say anything. In fact I promised myself I wouldn’t say anything about it. But I can’t hold it anymore. So a clergyman decides he wants to join politics, that wasn’t remarkable enough coz it’s been done before. Then he formed a political party and gave it a reasonable enough name. I can’t judge that coz I have enough trouble coming up with titles for my blog posts. But then he decides on a party hand signal.

Party signal

Party signal

So the clenched fist has already been claimed by the ruling party and a few other relevant hand signals have been used up by other parties, I get that. But was that the only symbol they could come up with? In Zambia, that symbol represents a man’s *cough* you-know-what! So the first time I saw this picture I cracked up! Their facial expressions don’t help matters at all. A simple thumbs up would suffice if you ask me. Apparently the signal represents a pot which is the party symbol. A lot of people commented about it on social media and the party decided to change it to show you guys that if they ever come into power, they will definitely be a listening government. And the brilliant idea they came up with is this:

New party signal

New party signal

From enormous male body parts to tiny baby ones! I seriously need to see whoever comes up with these ideas. He has a wicked sense of humor! Next time it just might be the finger. This has made my day you guys. But to be fair, is there any other hand signal that can represent a pot? If any of you can think of any please let me know, and maybe we can get in touch with these hilarious people.

UNICEF Activate Talks Zambia

Last week I was invited for an event hosted by UNICEF Zambia in collaboration with Bongohive. I figured it would be quite serious and I wore my grown up clothes for it. It was far more organised than I thought it would be with registration forms, name tags and gift packs. And when I looked at the program, I saw the magic word (well, one of the magic words), Cocktail! This was proving to be a wise decision on my part. So I put my head high, walked in like a bowss and sat in the Media section. 

I wrote an article for Bongohive detailing the event. You can read all about the UNICEF Activate Talks Zambia on the Bongohive site. 

 

If you would like to find out more about Unicef or bongohive, visit their sites at http://www.unicef.org/zambia/ and http://bongohive.co.zm/ . And if you would like me to write about your event, email me at chipoautumn@gmail.com I just might wear my grown-up clothes. 

How to Avoid a Sex Tape Scandal

Yesterday Zambian social media went crazy when a named Zambian rapper was revealed in a sex video. The video went viral in a matter of hours and everyone was talking about it. He received a lot of criticism on his performance and most people said the video was disgraceful and boring. Personally I don’t know what’s worse; being exposed doing something that’s clearly private or being criticised about not doing it well. I will not dwell on the moral issues of the sex tape as we have already over 13 million moral compasses in Zambia. But I want to offer some advice on how anyone can avoid a sex tape scandal seeing as we don’t have Olivia Pope to help take it all away.

Continue reading

Nikakuona – Scarlet

I realised I have never posted a Zambian song here. So here’s one of my favourite songs. It is by a Zambian artist called Scarlet. I’m working on a post concerning her that I will be putting up soon. This video also has one of my friends who sings backup for Scarlet so it’s a favourite for a few reasons. Let me know what you think about it if you can. I bet you will enjoy it.

How to be a Woman

So the lessons have began. The legendary traditional teachings that I have dreaded ever since I realised that I would have to get married someday. My wedding matron sat me down to prepare me for what’s coming in the lessons. She told me that from now onwards I should not show excitement on my face and in my body language and not smile uncontrollably. I was supposed to be silent when talked to and not argue with anyone. Continue reading