Last week, The Hub had to go somewhere for a few days. After living with him for months I have become dependent on him and his absence is felt. There are stages to this “absence-feeling” or “grief” and I will give you a tour through all of them but I implore you to not judge me.
1. Ecstasy – When I find out that he is going away I get excited. I think about all the things I can do that I never get the chance to do when he is hogging my attention. I think about all the places I will go to, all the series I will watch and all the people I will visit. I will finally get some alone time in our tiny house. I see freedom lingering at my fingertips and all I have to do is wait for The Hub to leave. I will finally get to smoke the weed I have been deprived of. I will buy a huge bottle of wine and drink myself into a stupor. I will not cook the entire time and I will not spend a single minute at home except to sleep.
2. Denial – Within the first few hours of his leaving, I drive myself into a frenzy. I keep myself busy with a thousand and one errands. I leave home first thing in the morning, Miss efficient out to get the world. I do all the things I needed to do and by the time I get home it is almost dark. I don’t have to cook coz guess what, it’s only me at home. Yay! I get myself popcorn and the series marathon begins. By the time I get to bed, I am exhausted and fall asleep immediately right in the centre of the bed. I can toss and turn as much as I want coz the whole bed is mine *insert evil laugh*. Nobody next to me to make space for, no snoring, just peace and quiet.
3. Reality – The next day when I wake up on my side of the bed, it is really quiet. So I turn to The Hub to check if he is still breathing and I realise he is gone. Now it hits me. I realise there are no places I want to go to without The Hub coz he handles all the logistics and he’s my resident partner in crime. I remember that I don’t like visiting neither do I like being visited. I realise that The Hub usually senses when to leave me alone so I already get enough alone time even with him around. I recall that I could get arrested if I’m found with weed. I remember that I loathe the smell of alcohol and I like being at home. I get up, still determined to enjoy myself and I turn on the TV. I plan not to do an ounce of housework and lounge until the day ends.
4. Withdrawal – Now I start to get restless. TV is not interesting enough. I have finished the last unread novel I had. I can’t concentrate on anything and my mind is wandering. I start to panic. Every noise I hear sounds like a burglar trying to come in and kill me. I can’t sleep with the light off and I’m afraid to go to the loo in the middle of the night. I keep going to the fridge and I can’t stop eating. The walls are caving in on me so I decide to go out. But I’m so despondent that anyone who talks to me threatens to make me cry. It was a mistake going out, coz I feel so lonely in the crowd. I feel like I don’t matter to anyone. The Hub is not here to get irritated by my window shopping tendencies. He’s not here to patiently wait while I take a lifetime looking at jewellery that I will not buy. The shops look dull and unattractive, ice cream is rather tasteless and the movie not so funny. So I go back home. But this time I clean the place. I scrub every floor, wash every plate, do the laundry and change the sheets. I do all that hoping that the spark will bring The Hub home but it doesn’t.
5. Revival – Just when I think I will definitely go mad and The Hub is probably never coming back, he returns. I’m relieved. I feel like a missing part of me has been glued back. I promise myself to always be nice to him. I keep touching him if only reassure my mind that my eyes are not lying. I fall in love with him all over again. I fawn over him and attend to his every whim. We all know that all good things must come to an end so 24 hours later I’m back to my stand-offish manner just the way nature intended it to be and I look forward to the next time he’ll be going away. My near mental breakdown forgotten like it never happened. Some things I never learn.