I am coming to terms with the fact that I’m a big girl. At size 12/14 I’m bordering on being plus sized. I look at myself in the mirror and try to figure out how to go down to being a size 8. There are times when I’m confident that my body is okay but most times I look at myself with dismay wondering why the hell I had to get my father’s features. Why do I have to love food that much? Sometimes the self loath gets so intense that I’m tempted to induce throwing up. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was bulimic right? But of course I freak out and I’m much too lazy to stick to sticking my finger down my mouth every time so I don’t go through with it. I think of starving myself sometimes but I always give in by 10 AM. So I try to work out whenever I can and eat healthy whenever I can but the sad truth is I may always struggle with my weight.
The struggle is already starting to show. The stretch marks that only used to be on my behind are starting to go a bit higher. I could have sworn I saw cellulite on my thighs the other day. Love handles are starting to creep in. I tried to kill a fly and I couldn’t, it was too fast for me, I’m getting slow (But to be fair I have only killed a fly once).
I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never wear the dresses I wore 3 years ago. I should probably give them to my kid sister. I don’t like it, but it’s true. My Fiancé keeps telling me that I look good like this but I believe him for the first 5 minutes and then go back to my body shaming.
But here’s the truth. I am big boned and tall. I have quite a bit of flesh but I am NOT fat!! I will never look healthy as a size 8. Yes, I will never look as slim as most celebrities or some of my friends. I will never be a size 8 ever again. I will never be so slim that my fiancé can carry me for ages. I will never be that fitness junky that works out 3 hours a day. I will never constantly count my calories intake. But I am healthy and fit. Here’s what I’ll do, I will work out regularly enough. I will eat healthy enough. I will watch my portions but I will not starve myself. I should get over myself and start accepting who I am. I should eat with relish! I should dance like there’s a prize. I should love like I’m getting paid. I have to, I have no choice. I only get one shot at this.
In my quest for civilisation I have also bought into the theory that less is more. But who said curves are not beautiful? I am an African! We celebrate curves not shame them!!