So the month-end is here. The main reason I go to work every weekday. The time to make the budgets and pay off debt.
Tonight while making my budget for the month of August, I broke down. I realized just how little I had compared to how much I needed. My salary can’t cover the rent, transport, groceries and paying of the debt on my new and much needed laptop. That’s without mentioning the wedding costs and tuition fees I need to take care of. I wrote down a whole list of everything and I panicked. So this is what they call adulthood. This is what being grown up is all about. Pretending to have a semblance of tranquility when all you want to do is scream or hide away. I’m not a stranger to financial pressure but this one seemed more daunting than previous experiences. And that was when I caved in. The most prominent emotion was helplessness and anxiety. I didn’t know what to say to God, I couldn’t make any sentences so all I said was “Give us this day our daily bread”. I said it over and over until my mind was numb.
Earlier in the church, the preacher talked about Jesus being the center of our lives. A life without Jesus in the center tries to be independent of God. It depends on the things that God has given rather than the giver Himself. In Exodus 16:19-21, God gave the Israelites gave bread from heaven, He instructed them to eat all they could in a day and not keep any for tomorrow because he would give them more the next day. But some didn’t trust him and kept it overnight. The next day the bread had worms. Same thing with us, we get the things God gives us and hold on to them so tightly that we lose perspective. We forget that He gave us those things and he can give us what we ask. When Jesus taught his disciples to pray, One line in the prayer was “Give us this day our daily bread….”. He wanted us to always acknowledge God as our provider and completely trust in Him.
For the first time in a long time, the Lord’s prayer, or at least part of it, has made sense to me. Trust has always been a big issue with me but I’m learning to trust in Him. I still need lots of money. I still have a long list of expenses. But I also have a God who supplies all my needs. A God who will never let me beg for bread. A God who wants me to trust in Him and not lean on my own understanding. I always wondered how my mother managed to remain calm even when she’s up to her eyeballs in financial issues but I finally get it. I am not in control, He is. Depending on Him brings such a huge amount of peace its unbelievable. I should do this more often. I should trust Him more often.